Couch of Life-Stealing

I am not sure to laugh (because I can understand it) or cry (because I can understand it) when I read this post on Craigslist for a free couch.

Unmolested and in its natural state, the Couch of Life-Stealing may subsist for its entire life cycle on little more than air and dust particles. When encountered by unwary adventurers, however, it can be a challenging adversary. Faced with the prospect of a great meal, it will invite weary adventurers to lay upon its "cushions," whereupon it will employ a stealth attack, sucking 1d8 HP per round from unlucky victims. Once hit, victims will also automatically be struck down by Couch's powerful "Sleep" spell. If he fails his CON save, the victim will remain under the spell's power for up to 8 hours, and his midsection will sink deeply into the bowels of Couch.

Oh, there's more.